I have chosen to avoid updating this site because, quite frankly, I didn't like the idea of everyone reading about what I was and was not doing. I did not want to share personal stories of faith, discovery and struggles. I wanted my life to be my own, I wanted a real life back.
Now I'm sure the adventures have not ended (nor will they ever!), but I no longer have a fantasized idea of missions, faith, or Christianity. I understand that life, even faith, is what we chose to make of it. Life is not very predictable, and sometimes we have no choice but to have faith. God, for that matter, is for us even if we are against him. It's a humbling thought for sure, but it gives us all a better understanding of grace and even more so, love.
I have planned out my future a million times over: where I want to be, what I want to be doing. The fact of it all is that I have no control over tomorrow. I have today, and tomorrow will come. The only sense I can make of what to do with this fact is to take advantage of what is happening today and hope that it adds to what I want to see happen in the future.
So what am I doing now? I'm not in fashion school. I was accepted to a school in Toronto, and it took until the end of last summer to realize that was not where I was meant to be. My home is here, and I went around the world a few times to understand that. After a good few months of processing, I decided to pursue a degree in Business at a local university. The practical reasoning got the best of me, and I think that it was the best decision I have ever made. It made sense to have knowledge in a subject that would open up more opportunities locally, and internationally than any fashion program would. Yes, of course I admire those who are talented enough to make careers out of fashion design, but it is simply not for me. It took two years of studying Kinesiology, three years of travel and missions, and one long summer at home to realize that I am to be here in Abbotsford, studying business. Come September, I will be into my second year of my degree, and soon I will have to decide as to what concentration I would like to pursue (marketing, financial management, accounting, or human resources). I'll sort that out, once the time comes. As long as I am keeping my grades up, I'll be keeping my options open. Sometimes the courses are dry, and I begin to question all the decisions I have made: I begin to feel old and a failure. The doubts pass with time, the motivation returns, and then I begin to enjoy the challenge of doing something I never thought I would do!
I must say that it's not the education, or knowledge that makes my life what it is right now. It's the smaller details.
For one, I am living in an affordable community housing project for students and young adults. There are twenty-three of us living in a renovated inn. We care for each other like family: I have a chance to live with some incredible people.
Two, is that I am close to family here. I didn't realize how important this was until I had it once again in my life. I have some time to get to know my birth family (see my little brothers grow up and build a friendship with my birth mom). I get time to visit my parents, and even though I work a boring job at a lawyer's office, I get to see my mom almost every day. I was able to meet my birth dad and his family since being here, and I love that we can keep in touch.
Three, is that I am close to friends here once again: I was able to see a couple of my best friends get married over the last year. I can go for coffee with those who are close, I can be there for those who need me, and I have those who are there for me.
Four, is that I am training once again, but this time to be a lightweight rower. As a child I always dreamt of playing a sport for a university team, and now I am actually able to. I absolutely love the challenge of it and the people I train with. I have the chance to train over the next three years and I will be sad the day it will end. I guess I'll just have to pick up another sport.
Life has it's ups and downs, it's complications and excitements, but for the first time in a long time I am at peace with who I am and with the life I live. I am blessed with these days that have passed, and the days to come. I love the people I have met along the way, and am excited for the ones I have yet to. I know my education will be put to use one day, and that all my experiences, local and international, will make sense. My faith is no longer a show, no longer a routine or a position, but a part of what makes me, me: I hope that my actions reflect my beliefs. I will put as much effort as I can afford into all that is here and now, and look forward to what tomorrow brings.
