I have chosen to avoid updating this site because, quite frankly, I didn't like the idea of everyone reading about what I was and was not doing. I did not want to share personal stories of faith, discovery and struggles. I wanted my life to be my own, I wanted a real life back.
Now I'm sure the adventures have not ended (nor will they ever!), but I no longer have a fantasized idea of missions, faith, or Christianity. I understand that life, even faith, is what we chose to make of it. Life is not very predictable, and sometimes we have no choice but to have faith. God, for that matter, is for us even if we are against him. It's a humbling thought for sure, but it gives us all a better understanding of grace and even more so, love.
I have planned out my future a million times over: where I want to be, what I want to be doing. The fact of it all is that I have no control over tomorrow. I have today, and tomorrow will come. The only sense I can make of what to do with this fact is to take advantage of what is happening today and hope that it adds to what I want to see happen in the future.
So what am I doing now? I'm not in fashion school. I was accepted to a school in Toronto, and it took until the end of last summer to realize that was not where I was meant to be. My home is here, and I went around the world a few times to understand that. After a good few months of processing, I decided to pursue a degree in Business at a local university. The practical reasoning got the best of me, and I think that it was the best decision I have ever made. It made sense to have knowledge in a subject that would open up more opportunities locally, and internationally than any fashion program would. Yes, of course I admire those who are talented enough to make careers out of fashion design, but it is simply not for me. It took two years of studying Kinesiology, three years of travel and missions, and one long summer at home to realize that I am to be here in Abbotsford, studying business. Come September, I will be into my second year of my degree, and soon I will have to decide as to what concentration I would like to pursue (marketing, financial management, accounting, or human resources). I'll sort that out, once the time comes. As long as I am keeping my grades up, I'll be keeping my options open. Sometimes the courses are dry, and I begin to question all the decisions I have made: I begin to feel old and a failure. The doubts pass with time, the motivation returns, and then I begin to enjoy the challenge of doing something I never thought I would do!
I must say that it's not the education, or knowledge that makes my life what it is right now. It's the smaller details.
For one, I am living in an affordable community housing project for students and young adults. There are twenty-three of us living in a renovated inn. We care for each other like family: I have a chance to live with some incredible people.
Two, is that I am close to family here. I didn't realize how important this was until I had it once again in my life. I have some time to get to know my birth family (see my little brothers grow up and build a friendship with my birth mom). I get time to visit my parents, and even though I work a boring job at a lawyer's office, I get to see my mom almost every day. I was able to meet my birth dad and his family since being here, and I love that we can keep in touch.
Three, is that I am close to friends here once again: I was able to see a couple of my best friends get married over the last year. I can go for coffee with those who are close, I can be there for those who need me, and I have those who are there for me.
Four, is that I am training once again, but this time to be a lightweight rower. As a child I always dreamt of playing a sport for a university team, and now I am actually able to. I absolutely love the challenge of it and the people I train with. I have the chance to train over the next three years and I will be sad the day it will end. I guess I'll just have to pick up another sport.
Life has it's ups and downs, it's complications and excitements, but for the first time in a long time I am at peace with who I am and with the life I live. I am blessed with these days that have passed, and the days to come. I love the people I have met along the way, and am excited for the ones I have yet to. I know my education will be put to use one day, and that all my experiences, local and international, will make sense. My faith is no longer a show, no longer a routine or a position, but a part of what makes me, me: I hope that my actions reflect my beliefs. I will put as much effort as I can afford into all that is here and now, and look forward to what tomorrow brings.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, May 4, 2009
home at last
In the craziness of the past few months, I have failed to really record all that I have seen and experienced. I feel like it still will take quite some time to fully grasp all of it, but just to get the details down might help me to write more descriptively in the future.
I returned from Australia a few weeks ago and now am going to be home for a while. It's a hard transition to make when you go from being here, there and everywhere, to considering life in the "real" world. I now understand why people travel and then cannot stop. There is a world out there, and no matter where you go, there are new people to meet and all complete with amazing testimonies. The human race is an incredible creation and we can withstand some of the cruelest parts of life, and yet are still able to experience intense moments of joy, gratitude and contemptment. It's hard to describe the deepest darkest places I have seen and experienced and feel completely overwhelmed, because in every dark place the light still exists. Behind every sad story, we are left with a daughter, mother, father or a son. We are left with someone who still smiles, plays like an ordinary child, shares affection and has an ability to love and an ability to believe something so much more than the world itself. Behind every tragedy there are still dreams. So as much as my heart breaks for the suffering, I rejoice in the bits of His Kingdom on this earth.
I read this book while on my last trip Thailand and Cambodia and the writer, Henry Nouwen, seemed to summarize my chaotic thoughts in a far better way than I could ever try. He writes:
... What if our history does not prove to be a blind impersonal sequence of events over which we have no control, but rather reveals to us a guiding hand pointing to a personal encounter in which all our hopes and aspirations will reach their fulfillment?
Then our life would indeed be a different life because then fate becomes opporunity, wounds a warning and paralysis an invitation to search for deeper sources of vitality. Then we can look for hope in the middle of crying cities, burning hospitals and desperate parents and children. Then we can cast off the temptation of despair and speak about the fertile tree while witnessing the dying of the seed. Then indeed we can break out of the prison of an anonymous series of events and listen to the God of history who speaks to us in the center of our solitude and respond to his ever new call for conversion. (Reaching Out).
What if we failed in our call to hope for the hopeless? What if we failed in recognizing Him in any place? It's easy to fail: it's an overwhelming task and takes quite a large amount of time to process the needs of this world, but all the same, we are still called to be His hands and feet. Within that, we find all the strength we will ever need, and never will we be placed in a situation that is more than we can handle. So with all that said: within recognition, truth is born. Within truth comes a selfless love. Within love, responsibility is recognized. Within love and responsibility, we are strengthened to persevere. Then, above all, within perseverence, there is always hope.
I returned from Australia a few weeks ago and now am going to be home for a while. It's a hard transition to make when you go from being here, there and everywhere, to considering life in the "real" world. I now understand why people travel and then cannot stop. There is a world out there, and no matter where you go, there are new people to meet and all complete with amazing testimonies. The human race is an incredible creation and we can withstand some of the cruelest parts of life, and yet are still able to experience intense moments of joy, gratitude and contemptment. It's hard to describe the deepest darkest places I have seen and experienced and feel completely overwhelmed, because in every dark place the light still exists. Behind every sad story, we are left with a daughter, mother, father or a son. We are left with someone who still smiles, plays like an ordinary child, shares affection and has an ability to love and an ability to believe something so much more than the world itself. Behind every tragedy there are still dreams. So as much as my heart breaks for the suffering, I rejoice in the bits of His Kingdom on this earth.
I read this book while on my last trip Thailand and Cambodia and the writer, Henry Nouwen, seemed to summarize my chaotic thoughts in a far better way than I could ever try. He writes:
... What if our history does not prove to be a blind impersonal sequence of events over which we have no control, but rather reveals to us a guiding hand pointing to a personal encounter in which all our hopes and aspirations will reach their fulfillment?
Then our life would indeed be a different life because then fate becomes opporunity, wounds a warning and paralysis an invitation to search for deeper sources of vitality. Then we can look for hope in the middle of crying cities, burning hospitals and desperate parents and children. Then we can cast off the temptation of despair and speak about the fertile tree while witnessing the dying of the seed. Then indeed we can break out of the prison of an anonymous series of events and listen to the God of history who speaks to us in the center of our solitude and respond to his ever new call for conversion. (Reaching Out).
What if we failed in our call to hope for the hopeless? What if we failed in recognizing Him in any place? It's easy to fail: it's an overwhelming task and takes quite a large amount of time to process the needs of this world, but all the same, we are still called to be His hands and feet. Within that, we find all the strength we will ever need, and never will we be placed in a situation that is more than we can handle. So with all that said: within recognition, truth is born. Within truth comes a selfless love. Within love, responsibility is recognized. Within love and responsibility, we are strengthened to persevere. Then, above all, within perseverence, there is always hope.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
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I'm Giving Up
I know that once you read these three words, your first thought is to fight me on it. I can tell you that this is my reasoning…
“God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of the world and the despised things- and the things that are not- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him” (1 Cor 1:27-29).
I have fought on my own for too long, and even done this ministry by myself, in my own attempt to change the world. Somewhere along the way I seem to have lost the concept that it was His idea in the first place. I have been reading through the gospel in an attempt to “figure” out this life and the reasoning behind it. Time and time again Jesus talks about the heart. A man murders even he wishes someone to die. Adultery happens even at one lustful glance. It’s so obvious (now) that it’s not about what we do and don’t do, God looks at the heart. He wants to know that no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing, that you are willing to draw close: you long to know Him more, to love him more. Following in obedience starts with our attitude. You see, we are not the ones who are going to change the world, He is. It’s not about what we have to offer, what we can do. It’s about whether we are willing to be a part of what He is already doing.
I know that God is moving in some big ways to fight against sex trafficking. I know that He has given me a heart for it. I know that I will always fight for the cause, but now I’m giving up in trying to do it on my own. I will do my best to pass on the vision and the passion, but it’s up to Him to change it. I cannot try to figure out where I will be in ten years, I can only see what He has for me here and now. I want to be a part of where He is moving.
I have applied to a couple of colleges to study fashion design for a couple of years, so that is what I am working towards next. I will hopefully start in the fall of 2009. I will find out from the one I am most interested in, in the next couple of weeks. Please be praying. I hope to be able to travel to Thailand a few times while I am studying (God willing) to be able to meet with the rescued girls we will be working with. Our hope is to get a good start on a simple clothing line by next year.
I know now to hold these plans with an open hand because I no longer want to live for me, because this is His plan after all. I want to be ready and willing to go where He wants. Besides all that, I don’t think that I could design clothes on my own!
One thing that I do know, is that I will be home at the beginning of April to spend time with my best friend before she gets married. I have a peace about going home this time, to be with the ones I love and actually “be” at home this time. I cannot tell you exactly what happens after that. I must trust as I learn to follow Him.
“God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of the world and the despised things- and the things that are not- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him” (1 Cor 1:27-29).
I have fought on my own for too long, and even done this ministry by myself, in my own attempt to change the world. Somewhere along the way I seem to have lost the concept that it was His idea in the first place. I have been reading through the gospel in an attempt to “figure” out this life and the reasoning behind it. Time and time again Jesus talks about the heart. A man murders even he wishes someone to die. Adultery happens even at one lustful glance. It’s so obvious (now) that it’s not about what we do and don’t do, God looks at the heart. He wants to know that no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing, that you are willing to draw close: you long to know Him more, to love him more. Following in obedience starts with our attitude. You see, we are not the ones who are going to change the world, He is. It’s not about what we have to offer, what we can do. It’s about whether we are willing to be a part of what He is already doing.
I know that God is moving in some big ways to fight against sex trafficking. I know that He has given me a heart for it. I know that I will always fight for the cause, but now I’m giving up in trying to do it on my own. I will do my best to pass on the vision and the passion, but it’s up to Him to change it. I cannot try to figure out where I will be in ten years, I can only see what He has for me here and now. I want to be a part of where He is moving.
I have applied to a couple of colleges to study fashion design for a couple of years, so that is what I am working towards next. I will hopefully start in the fall of 2009. I will find out from the one I am most interested in, in the next couple of weeks. Please be praying. I hope to be able to travel to Thailand a few times while I am studying (God willing) to be able to meet with the rescued girls we will be working with. Our hope is to get a good start on a simple clothing line by next year.
I know now to hold these plans with an open hand because I no longer want to live for me, because this is His plan after all. I want to be ready and willing to go where He wants. Besides all that, I don’t think that I could design clothes on my own!
One thing that I do know, is that I will be home at the beginning of April to spend time with my best friend before she gets married. I have a peace about going home this time, to be with the ones I love and actually “be” at home this time. I cannot tell you exactly what happens after that. I must trust as I learn to follow Him.
Another New Perspective
The last time I wrote on my blog I was confident in thinking that I had it all figured out. That in itself, I should have taken as a sign that I really had no clue! I have been in Australia now for two weeks and have not been able to put weight on my leg for three weeks. I wish that I could sit here and tell you that the pain has gone: sometimes it’s worse and sometimes it’s better. I wish that I could sit here and tell you that I have found all the reasons for why it all happened. Yes, I have had my venting times with God playing the good ol‘ blame game and doubting what He‘s doing. Due to my pride and stubbornness, I have suffered in silence, not wanting anyone to take pity.
“I can do this on my own,” is something I keep telling myself. Now I know that it’s such a lie and I have been telling myself this most of my life. I preach trust, I want to walk in faith, I say that I am dependent on God. Now I have come to realize, that for the most part I have been doing it all by myself. He will tell me something clearly and then I will just run with it, thinking that I have it all together and I know what I am doing. In all honesty, I’m just like everyone else, running this race thinking that only the strongest survive. Pride, I have found, is the biggest snare. Now my only wish is to shrug it off.
A couple of weeks before I broke my leg, I read a story about a girl who ran away from home when she was a young teenager and ended up living on the streets. She was so down and out, and yet never thought about going home for years. She slept on the streets, ate from the trash and got hung up on drugs. She was so disgusted with where she was that she felt like she could not go home. Finally, at a last attempt to clean up her life, she bought a ticket to New York and had a fifteen minute stop in her home town. She called her parents and left a message on their machine saying that she would stop only for fifteen minutes and if they were there, she would come home. She fought her thoughts the whole way, wondering if they even got the message, whether they would be there, and if they were, what would she say? When she arrived at the bus stop and not only were her parents there, but her entire family. Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents were all there to surprise her and welcome her home.
I don’t know why, but this story broke my heart. How long had I been running for? How long have I hid behind all the things that I do, and never stopped once to think that perhaps I was on the wrong track, perhaps I was not even willing to hear yes or no anymore. After reading this story, I asked God to help me to stop running. Ha, I guess I just did not expect that it would mean that I would literally stop running!
One of the reasons I can conclude to being here, is to get a real look at me, underneath the pride, the things I do, and underneath the walls I have put up around the real me. It’s messy underneath, but for once I am becoming comfortable in my own skin, in my own thoughts. I am humbled, and yet God is completely using it to strengthen me once again.
“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise”
(Psalm 51: 16-17).
I am learning to praise.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
His plan....her vision...my commitment
I wish that I could type out a precise detailed plan of what I have committed to, but at the moment I cannot.
Since my time in Thailand and Cambodia, God has only grown my heart for the women caught in sex trafficking and prostitution. Just last week I was sure that God wanted me to surrender my heart for them and so I committed seven weeks in Darwin instead of my selfish want to go to Thailand and Cambodia. Evidently God had it planned for me to take a team there this whole time. I guess in giving, we receive.
On this base I am not the only one who has a heart for the women caught in it all. Catrina Pennington (another staff on base), an advocate for Destiny Rescue, has been praying about what she could possibly do to take a step in seeing this trade stopped. God gave her a vision to start a clothing company. Since it was such a big vision, she wanted confirmation. She felt like she was supposed to make herself a dress (she doesn't even know how to sew) and if she succeeded than God wanted her to take a hold of this vision. There was success and so a new ministry has birthed here on the base.
Destiny Rescue already has a sewing factory In Thailand which employs women coming out of prostitution and so, currently, it would just be a matter of having patterns and samples to take over there to start a simple fair trade clothing line. Catrina would like to have a line out by 2010. Now it all sounds elementary, but the vision is much bigger than we can even dream and this is just the beginning. Eventually, she wants to see the clothing line have it's own factory in Thailand (possibly more than one location, or even different countries) where the women coming out of prostitution will be employed. This would mean the possibility of having housing for the women, restoration counselling, christian fellowship, and english lessons, and so much more. The plan is to open stores worldwide to sell the products, but also to create global awareness.
God had been working on our hearts separately, and now I am excited to say that I will be partnering with her vision. I had been asking God what I could do to see this trade demolished and the world to be aware of it. I had ideas of using business for missions (like Nightlight Ministry), but no specifics. I was just trusting that God would just reveal to me my direction. Then one day in lectures, Catrina shared her vision for the clothing line. I was so moved and excited about it I felt like I was going to be ill!
So now what? I will be returning to Thailand to work with some of the same ministries in December, but also to do some scouting for this ministry yet again in June (after my return from seeing my best friend get married). I will be studying fashion design here in Australia most likely beginning next year, and weeding through all the details with Catrina, and Natalie (student from Germany). It is a long term commitment, but I have such a peace and incredible excitement about it all.
God is faithful, and nothing goes without reason.
Since my time in Thailand and Cambodia, God has only grown my heart for the women caught in sex trafficking and prostitution. Just last week I was sure that God wanted me to surrender my heart for them and so I committed seven weeks in Darwin instead of my selfish want to go to Thailand and Cambodia. Evidently God had it planned for me to take a team there this whole time. I guess in giving, we receive.
On this base I am not the only one who has a heart for the women caught in it all. Catrina Pennington (another staff on base), an advocate for Destiny Rescue, has been praying about what she could possibly do to take a step in seeing this trade stopped. God gave her a vision to start a clothing company. Since it was such a big vision, she wanted confirmation. She felt like she was supposed to make herself a dress (she doesn't even know how to sew) and if she succeeded than God wanted her to take a hold of this vision. There was success and so a new ministry has birthed here on the base.
Destiny Rescue already has a sewing factory In Thailand which employs women coming out of prostitution and so, currently, it would just be a matter of having patterns and samples to take over there to start a simple fair trade clothing line. Catrina would like to have a line out by 2010. Now it all sounds elementary, but the vision is much bigger than we can even dream and this is just the beginning. Eventually, she wants to see the clothing line have it's own factory in Thailand (possibly more than one location, or even different countries) where the women coming out of prostitution will be employed. This would mean the possibility of having housing for the women, restoration counselling, christian fellowship, and english lessons, and so much more. The plan is to open stores worldwide to sell the products, but also to create global awareness.
God had been working on our hearts separately, and now I am excited to say that I will be partnering with her vision. I had been asking God what I could do to see this trade demolished and the world to be aware of it. I had ideas of using business for missions (like Nightlight Ministry), but no specifics. I was just trusting that God would just reveal to me my direction. Then one day in lectures, Catrina shared her vision for the clothing line. I was so moved and excited about it I felt like I was going to be ill!
So now what? I will be returning to Thailand to work with some of the same ministries in December, but also to do some scouting for this ministry yet again in June (after my return from seeing my best friend get married). I will be studying fashion design here in Australia most likely beginning next year, and weeding through all the details with Catrina, and Natalie (student from Germany). It is a long term commitment, but I have such a peace and incredible excitement about it all.
God is faithful, and nothing goes without reason.
just when we think we have it all figured out...
Last week we announced the outreach locations to the DTS. I had planned on taking a team to Darwin, Australia to work with the aboriginals there for seven weeks. We gave a brief summary of all the outreach locations (Indonesia, Thailand/Cambodia, Vanuatu, Australia) and asked the students to pray for fifteen minutes as to where they wanted to go. Only two signed up for Darwin and I was so crushed! There was far too many people on the other teams, and so the idea was to approach students individually about joining the team over the next couple of days. Eventually, the outreach became the long running joke on the base and I was so incredibly discouraged. By the fourth day, taking into consideration a few situations, we went back to the drawing board. I decided that I would take an all girls team back to Thailand and Cambodia for the seven weeks. So the next day we pulled all the girls aside, and I shared my heart and vision for working with women caught in sex trafficking and asked them to consider joining the team. Yesterday, we finalized the teams, and the outreach drama was over.
There are five of us girls in total; Jacqueline (Canada), Amanda (USA), Maria T (Finland), Maria K (Denmark), and me! They are all such amazing girls and I know God already has been working in their hearts for this kind of ministry. I just pray that God will be already sppeaking to us exactly how He wants to use us there.
Now that I am more aware of what goes on in Thailand and Cambodia, I will be more careful in my planning, but I would love to be able to work with some of the same ministries as previously. It is never easy taking a team over there, but obviously it was God's will that I was to go once again. I thought I had it all sorted out and heard God in going to Darwin, but God had different plans. I do look forward to what He is going to do there this time around, and it will be amazing to see the same women again.
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