home at last

In the craziness of the past few months, I have failed to really record all that I have seen and experienced. I feel like it still will take quite some time to fully grasp all of it, but just to get the details down might help me to write more descriptively in the future.

I returned from Australia a few weeks ago and now am going to be home for a while. It's a hard transition to make when you go from being here, there and everywhere, to considering life in the "real" world. I now understand why people travel and then cannot stop. There is a world out there, and no matter where you go, there are new people to meet and all complete with amazing testimonies. The human race is an incredible creation and we can withstand some of the cruelest parts of life, and yet are still able to experience intense moments of joy, gratitude and contemptment. It's hard to describe the deepest darkest places I have seen and experienced and feel completely overwhelmed, because in every dark place the light still exists. Behind every sad story, we are left with a daughter, mother, father or a son. We are left with someone who still smiles, plays like an ordinary child, shares affection and has an ability to love and an ability to believe something so much more than the world itself. Behind every tragedy there are still dreams. So as much as my heart breaks for the suffering, I rejoice in the bits of His Kingdom on this earth.
I read this book while on my last trip Thailand and Cambodia and the writer, Henry Nouwen, seemed to summarize my chaotic thoughts in a far better way than I could ever try. He writes:

... What if our history does not prove to be a blind impersonal sequence of events over which we have no control, but rather reveals to us a guiding hand pointing to a personal encounter in which all our hopes and aspirations will reach their fulfillment?
Then our life would indeed be a different life because then fate becomes opporunity, wounds a warning and paralysis an invitation to search for deeper sources of vitality. Then we can look for hope in the middle of crying cities, burning hospitals and desperate parents and children. Then we can cast off the temptation of despair and speak about the fertile tree while witnessing the dying of the seed. Then indeed we can break out of the prison of an anonymous series of events and listen to the God of history who speaks to us in the center of our solitude and respond to his ever new call for conversion. (Reaching Out).

What if we failed in our call to hope for the hopeless? What if we failed in recognizing Him in any place? It's easy to fail: it's an overwhelming task and takes quite a large amount of time to process the needs of this world, but all the same, we are still called to be His hands and feet. Within that, we find all the strength we will ever need, and never will we be placed in a situation that is more than we can handle. So with all that said: within recognition, truth is born. Within truth comes a selfless love. Within love, responsibility is recognized. Within love and responsibility, we are strengthened to persevere. Then, above all, within perseverence, there is always hope.

some pictures from Thailand

I'm Giving Up

I know that once you read these three words, your first thought is to fight me on it. I can tell you that this is my reasoning…
“God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of the world and the despised things- and the things that are not- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him” (1 Cor 1:27-29).
I have fought on my own for too long, and even done this ministry by myself, in my own attempt to change the world. Somewhere along the way I seem to have lost the concept that it was His idea in the first place. I have been reading through the gospel in an attempt to “figure” out this life and the reasoning behind it. Time and time again Jesus talks about the heart. A man murders even he wishes someone to die. Adultery happens even at one lustful glance. It’s so obvious (now) that it’s not about what we do and don’t do, God looks at the heart. He wants to know that no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing, that you are willing to draw close: you long to know Him more, to love him more. Following in obedience starts with our attitude. You see, we are not the ones who are going to change the world, He is. It’s not about what we have to offer, what we can do. It’s about whether we are willing to be a part of what He is already doing.
I know that God is moving in some big ways to fight against sex trafficking. I know that He has given me a heart for it. I know that I will always fight for the cause, but now I’m giving up in trying to do it on my own. I will do my best to pass on the vision and the passion, but it’s up to Him to change it. I cannot try to figure out where I will be in ten years, I can only see what He has for me here and now. I want to be a part of where He is moving.
I have applied to a couple of colleges to study fashion design for a couple of years, so that is what I am working towards next. I will hopefully start in the fall of 2009. I will find out from the one I am most interested in, in the next couple of weeks. Please be praying. I hope to be able to travel to Thailand a few times while I am studying (God willing) to be able to meet with the rescued girls we will be working with. Our hope is to get a good start on a simple clothing line by next year.
I know now to hold these plans with an open hand because I no longer want to live for me, because this is His plan after all. I want to be ready and willing to go where He wants. Besides all that, I don’t think that I could design clothes on my own!
One thing that I do know, is that I will be home at the beginning of April to spend time with my best friend before she gets married. I have a peace about going home this time, to be with the ones I love and actually “be” at home this time. I cannot tell you exactly what happens after that. I must trust as I learn to follow Him.

Another New Perspective

The last time I wrote on my blog I was confident in thinking that I had it all figured out. That in itself, I should have taken as a sign that I really had no clue! I have been in Australia now for two weeks and have not been able to put weight on my leg for three weeks. I wish that I could sit here and tell you that the pain has gone: sometimes it’s worse and sometimes it’s better. I wish that I could sit here and tell you that I have found all the reasons for why it all happened. Yes, I have had my venting times with God playing the good ol‘ blame game and doubting what He‘s doing. Due to my pride and stubbornness, I have suffered in silence, not wanting anyone to take pity.
“I can do this on my own,” is something I keep telling myself. Now I know that it’s such a lie and I have been telling myself this most of my life. I preach trust, I want to walk in faith, I say that I am dependent on God. Now I have come to realize, that for the most part I have been doing it all by myself. He will tell me something clearly and then I will just run with it, thinking that I have it all together and I know what I am doing. In all honesty, I’m just like everyone else, running this race thinking that only the strongest survive. Pride, I have found, is the biggest snare. Now my only wish is to shrug it off.
A couple of weeks before I broke my leg, I read a story about a girl who ran away from home when she was a young teenager and ended up living on the streets. She was so down and out, and yet never thought about going home for years. She slept on the streets, ate from the trash and got hung up on drugs. She was so disgusted with where she was that she felt like she could not go home. Finally, at a last attempt to clean up her life, she bought a ticket to New York and had a fifteen minute stop in her home town. She called her parents and left a message on their machine saying that she would stop only for fifteen minutes and if they were there, she would come home. She fought her thoughts the whole way, wondering if they even got the message, whether they would be there, and if they were, what would she say? When she arrived at the bus stop and not only were her parents there, but her entire family. Brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents were all there to surprise her and welcome her home.
I don’t know why, but this story broke my heart. How long had I been running for? How long have I hid behind all the things that I do, and never stopped once to think that perhaps I was on the wrong track, perhaps I was not even willing to hear yes or no anymore. After reading this story, I asked God to help me to stop running. Ha, I guess I just did not expect that it would mean that I would literally stop running!
One of the reasons I can conclude to being here, is to get a real look at me, underneath the pride, the things I do, and underneath the walls I have put up around the real me. It’s messy underneath, but for once I am becoming comfortable in my own skin, in my own thoughts. I am humbled, and yet God is completely using it to strengthen me once again.
“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise”
(Psalm 51: 16-17).
I am learning to praise.